Oh crap.

Oh crap,

I think I have fallen for it again. Just great.  My heart just doesn't listen. It acts on its own accord.

I’m really scared.  Going into a relationship is undoubtedly intriguing and not forgetting exciting. However, so are the terrors. This phrase, grey area, ambiguity is the best isn’t it? There’s no commitment involved and even if I were to be committed, at the very least, when it sours, I can walk off without feeling too goddamn upset.

I think that is the very sole reason why I am refusing to give us a label. I know my actions speaks otherwise, in fact I think as the days without you by my side lengthens, I think of you more and more as my boyfriend. Oh my god. Even writing this word freaks me out; you see how we are never going to work? However, here I am, waking up at wee hours, making plans with you in December to go overseas and going over to your house for dinner. Do you know that warning bells are going ferociously in my head every single day? I think my whole happiness has gradually dependent on your texts. I smiled goofily at your texts and in the afternoon, when wifi fail us, I re-read our conversation.

I know I always dismiss what you say as either nonsense or sweet talk, but truthfully those make me happy. In fact, I’m so happy now that I’m terrified. You need to know that, nothing good comes in my life. I’m a relationship mess. I fall in love fall too easily and take too long to fall out. My personal motto now is leave before I’m being left. I don’t know how you got under my skin and now I’m actually scared you will go off because, at this moment, I am trapped. I cannot leave you now. I like you too much.

So much for emphasizing to the whole world we are being in a grey area, when I know I feel for you otherwise. I secretly hope that when I’m back in Singapore, I will be less dependent and sticky so that I can find my escape route. 

I need to.

If my best friend can do this to me, so can you, along with everyone else.

HAHAHA.

i wrote this on the plane from NYC to TW.

looking back,

now all this is just too funny.

Harris Lim, 

you better be awesome to me, if not you die.

Love,

Your Queen.