Clearing My Head

All my feelings, it is hard to even jot it down in words.

I promise myself that I will walk away, 

I will live well, I will find back my joy. And in these few months, I did it. 

I’m the Yiqi again, though admittedly, a little more cynical, a little more angst, and a lot less demure. 

But nevertheless, I am back.

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.

 I am a firm believer of this cliché phrase.

  And I think after this incident, I can face a WWE wrestler now.

 Emotionally of course.

The feelings that I have to curb and the emotions that used to flow.
The smiles and “I’m fine”.

Every single day was torturous.

 I thought, to myself, repeatedly, it is just a dream.

 And I would wake up, next morning, knowing otherwise. 

I desperately wanted an exit and finally it came. 

I fell out of love. 

Your actions, your words, they disgust me. 

They woke me up.

 You were no longer the guy I love.

 You have morphed away, replaced by someone so foul, so evil and so not worthy of my love.

Once you had fallen out of love and seen the ugly side of everything,

 The thing that taunts you, weakens you and stops you, are the good memories. 

The memories that had been so ingrained in my mind were continuously attacking me. 

Yes, the usage of the word, attack, seems so ridiculous now.

 But at that time, it was how it was. 

Everything triggered me to you, the old you, 

And my happiness dissolved so rapidly before anyone can say, “Stop thinking”.

 I distinctly remembered that I used videos, alcohol, shopping, anything

just to let me sleep peacefully, devoid of nightmares. 

And most importantly, from dreaming my ideal scene 

The old YOU realizing your mistake and coming back for me. 

The feeling, when one wakes up,

 realizes that the dream was merely an obsessed yearning was tormenting.

 In fact, the only advantage of ending a relationship was losing the extra pounds.

Then came the inevitable, the bitching, to downplay each other faults. 

The competition, to see whether one is better off than the other, 

and lastly, wanting mutual friends to be at your side. 

That was ugly and thankfully it has past too.  

Or rather, you were losing and had to put a stop to it. 

A word of advice, next time, 

if you want to bitch about someone, make sure you have the facts and brains to back up.

 Perhaps, it is my fault too, to satisfy your ego,

 I often dumb myself to let you have the upper hand. 
Reason being, I loved you.

And finally, after so long, we have to meet. 

Me.

 You.

 And of course her.

 What better way to end the evening, going to the place where you two met? 

The irony of this situation is really laughable.

To end off this depressing note, a question I often asked myself. 

Did the person I love actually did exist? 

Was everything just a facade?